Judge the Victim

Everyone keep asking me continuously:

• Why you never personally talk about how you feel?
• Why don't you tell me who you are?
• Why don't I know much about you, internally?
• What does your life consist of?
• What do you believe in?
• Isn't shantell a girl name? (never sat to think to ask "why my name is shantell")

Ill answer the rest as we go through a quick history of my life and its mini details.

I was born on Jan. 2nd, 1986 around 730am. My beautiful mother is 100% Puerto Rican and my father is African American with a strand of Irish, about my 5th grandfather back married a half Irish woman. My mom did not want to name after my father (wasn't together), so as in the waiting room, this lady having twins at an early stage, the first twin died, and the second twin lived, and the babies name was Shantell (or however she spelt it) and my mom took it as a name of strength. No its not suppose to be spelled "Shawntell".

Stages of ages

1 yr - I used to love playing around with pots and pans

2 yr - I used always lose my shoes - When I used to be in a stroller, and my mom wasn't behind it, I used to push myself back and when we was at the stores, i used to hide me and the carriage in the clothes rack

3 yr - I thought I was super man - I tried to read books, coincidentally all philosophical material

4 yr - I superman'd off a dresser and landed on a beer mug - now I have a quarter sized scar on my right leg where the glass penetrated - In PR, my family and I went to a neighbors house and started speaking tongs to my aunt. So my family does Santa-maria, so that should explain the rest of the story - Baptized

5 yr - while taking a bath and as my mom left the bathroom, superman'd off the sink to the tub and banged my head on the knob and whole in my head on the left side for a little while

6 yr - Fell off my bike and got a scar underneath my chin (the hospital loved me). Lived in Germany for the summer with my father, he was in the army.

9 yr - father always kidnapped me, but out of love! just like to put my mom on edge sometimes. so at this year he stopped. he would always take me to my god fathers house in Pennsylvania

10 yr - first fight and lost! dude was like left back twice and bigger. you see how scrawny i am now, imagine then. - I learned how to play a saxophone and in the marching band - my northface jacket stolen, 7 guys, had knives and machetes - lived by Yankee stadium and always went to the games - crashed my grandma's car

11 yr - got in a big street fight, i was ok but my friend at the time got beat with a pole

12 yr - the start of a stable living and schooling. I moved and changed school every 2yrs. Introduced to marijuana - started to smoke MJ and sell, not heavy, smoked cause of a social thing, sold to live comfortably. Hated by many guys in school cause I fell into the "pretty boy" stereotype, contacts, swag at that age, and i was the new guy, i had all the females. The first time i was called gay by a guy who try to draw attention away from me. so obtained a quick girlfriend that lasted 2 weeks to prove difference, but not even that worked. (my personality didn't work either) - learned chess from my father then joined the chess club at school for 1 year.

13 yr - The start of a friendship (who is now my best friend). Taught him the streets, he protected me, made sure no one fucked with me. I was like a small Don - I told my female friend I'm going to change the world through my words and become a philosopher - still in the band as head saxophone player - seen my brother born up close and personal - got 1 ear pierced cause my father did it

14 yr - moved in with my grandma - Right hand man made sure i got into no fights. i made sure we was stood in good standings with people, helped him with his literature, and get the girls etc. obviously he was the fighter i was the lover. - lost one girl i was very infatuated with, and had a great interest in, but i just couldn't get the words out to save my life. if i believed in regrets this would be one, but from this day forth i was never shy ever for the most part - went to prom alone - lost virginity, never seen her again - start H.S (knocked out a year of math, English and science cause was in the #1 smart class in JHS and took H.S courses) - JHS crush moves away - right hand man goes to a a different H.S. - stop selling - the gay rumor followed me

15 yr - move back with ma duks - stop selling - diamond chain got stolen , got jumped by 3 guys - joined the bowling team and in 2 band classes - started a book where people wrote their opinions in. i would have a question in it, pass it in the morning and get it back by random people i know by the end of the day, here i originally determined i want to write a book - Started the graffiti life heavy, i was given the name zues by a Graff friend who said my mind is always above the clouds and i govern everything underneath it like "zues", and the name stuck - first little girlfriend who ended lesbian - started my Otra Noches which was every weekend if not every other weekend religiously - nipple piercing for my bday cause i wanted to be like my father - joined poetry club

16 yr - Father in jail - right hand man and i get into a dispute and stop talking for a while - got jumped - got into a couple fights when it was blacks vs Spanish in H.S (sided with the Spanish) - joined a gang for a while - street fights - beat up some people for my aunt who was younger - this place called "the abyss" in my mind began, did everything alone and by myself unless it was otra notches. This began me not opening up to no one and left everything bottled up - another girl friend that ended up a lesbian - started my orange book, "mi manifesto", the start of writing again heavy - first tattoo - partied hard - read the book the alchemist

17 yr - Got my right hand man back, i never fought again. he said i was soft, and leave the fighting to him, but trust, if i needed to i was there! found out we was in rival gangs, both dropped it - got involved with someone which only lasted a month cause she was still in love with someone else - H.S was easy, last 2 years only had 2 bands, gym, elective English and history - girl i messed with over the summer was bisexual - took my SAT, 95% percentile on math, 36% on English, only a score of 850, avg was 900.

18 yr - prom alone, rented a corvette. showing off doing doughnuts - accepted to JWU cause no SAT required - dumped my 9 month girlfriend who actually had an interest of girls - move in with my sister on my fathers side. get our own apt, etc - friends I'm with now thought i was gay, and that continued - no job first year, grandma took care of me - wrote on a website cause i had no friends - discovered fully the moon and the stars - discovered the beach at night

19 yr - started selling again for comfort - my sister and i got into a big confrontation and don't speak no more - joined Iota Phi Theta Fraternity inc. - second ear pierced - messed around with a girl over the summer whose parents hated me cause i was black and didn't speak spanish.

20 yr - got my second tattoo -had an unofficial GF, had to let her go do to her cheating on me with a girl - lost the writings to my book

21 yr - first strip club - got into a relationship - Neo fever

22 yr - get my first car as a graduation gift - joined Masonry - lost the writings to my book (twice)

23 yr - won step shows and stroll shows all in Florida and Georgia withing 6 months spand

24 yr - lost my GF to stupidity, compulsive lying, and emotional resistance - writing a book again

I call this "Judge the victim" because people always say i play victim and I'm always so defensive. Now i am Here to say yes i do, I'm here to admit that i do get every defensive. i have my personal reasons, but i feel as i have shared just enough right now. As i tear and write this, i can not right my wrongs, nor can go back, and for that i have no choice but to live life with my consequences and choices - now you may Judge me - Judge the victim if you shall...

Cliche Quote - The choices we make dictates the life we lead

Zues Quote - Hide your feelings, hide your fate. Show your feelings, embrace your true Fate.